Pure Pigment

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Newest work

So, I never post very personal info here but I feel as though I should blog about my experience being interviewed at the Rijksakademie in Amsterdam last summer. In late May 2011, I had the most exciting 24 hours of good news in my life. Early in the morning I received an email inviting me to interview for a residency opportunity at the Rijksakademie in June. The next day I found out that I got into graduate school at NYU.  I should have bought a lottery ticket.

Out of the 1,750 international applications, 35 artists are invited for interview. Simply being invited has been one of my biggest artistic accomplishments to date. I felt as though I had been nominated for an academy award.

I had one month to prepare. I had to bring current work and documentation of other pieces they may not have seen. I went into hyper-productive mode and produced a new series of work.

I had a few days in Amsterdam to get settled and explore. My goal was to feel comfortable with the city, since I would be moving there for two years if I was selected. I felt pretty at ease there, although I realized not reading Dutch was a bit of a handicap.

The day of my interview coincided with a traffic strike and rain! Of course! I arrived very early via taxi and sat nervously in a cafe (not a coffee shop!) drinking coffee and eating cheese cubes (ordered thinking it was a sandwich… should have bought a language guide)

The beginning of my interview began with a current resident guiding me through the expansive building and into a room that was to be the site of the interview. He explained the process to me and spoke of his own interview. I had 20 minutes to set up my far-traveled art work and wait for the interviewers to arrive.

The interview was one thirty minute talk with one group of 4 advisors, a fifteen minute break, followed by a second group of 4 advisors. Artists Aernout Mik and Mike Nelson were in my first group, having accomplished professional artists scrutinize my work and my process was thrilling and intimidating. Seeing that they were genuinely interested was beyond complimentary. I was even asked if I felt comfortable having my work compared to American abstract-expressionist greats like Cy Twombly. (yes!)

As they filed out, my resident guide returned and kept me company while I waited. The second group, he warned, was much tougher. Grreeeeeaaat. Just what I need.

He was right. While one artist seemed to like what I did, I found that this portion of the interview took a turn for the worse. I had to defend myself, why I started to work small, why I hadn’t done certain projects I was interested in, etc. I was a shaking nervous mess, began stuttering and saying things I didn’t even mean. Gulp.

Afterwards I was paired with another interviewee for a tour of the building. THIS PLACE IS AMAZING. Kilns the size of an elephant. Pigment mixing labs. Editing equipment. Metal shop, wood shop. Everything you could ever want. If you don’t know how to use something, they have an amazing staff there to help you figure it out. Everyone there was so kind and so positive and so excited to meet the interviewees.

My tour buddy and I decided to unwind with beers afterward and we compared interviews. All and all I felt pretty confident about my interview. My tour buddy didn’t feel as confident as I. When I asked why I was so positive, I replied, “I have to be confident. It’s all I have. Getting in isn’t up to me, so I have to put positive energy towards it”

The decision came in that Friday. They were expediting the process due to the major budget cuts that threatened the institution. Via email I was told I did not get in. Citing criteria for admission, I was told that the advisors thought I had potential, but thought that I needed more experience in my career. I do agree, I had just hoped I would gain it there. :)

After an hour or so long major sob fest (which is really weird to do in a foreign country when you’re so far away from people that can comfort you) I decided in needed to do some tourist stuff. Feeling so totally defeated I needed to remind myself how truly lucky I am. To even be there, to be an artist, to be supported. At the end of the day, my problems aren’t worth crying about and I am lucky to even call them “problems”. What matters is that I keep trying. Keep making work. Keep moving forward. Being an artist can be isolating, there will always be rejection but it can’t stop you. At the flea market near where I was staying, I bought a necklace with a clock on it and set it to GMT +1. To remind myself when I wear it, to keep trying and keep up the good work.

I decided to write about this now since I’d be moving to Amsterdam this week. I still get sad when I think about it. Everyone there was so generous, I don’t know if I ever formally thanked anyone there. I am truly grateful.

I am in graduate school now, gaining that much needed real world experience. I’m happy here in New York. 2012 will be dedicated to making work, learning, loving art and loving life. Cheers.